like seriously though i haven’t had a decent fucking birthday since high school. 18 i had a beast of an exam at 10AM that i studied all night for so i slept most of the day afterward, 19 i made the decision to go to rehab on my birthday, and now 20 i’m depressed to the point where i don’t think i want to do anything but sleep.
It turns out procrastination is not typically a function of laziness, apathy or work ethic as it is often regarded to be. It’s a neurotic self-defense behavior that develops to protect a person’s sense of self-worth.
You see, procrastinators tend to be people who have, for whatever reason, developed to perceive an unusually strong association between their performance and their value as a person. This makes failure or criticism disproportionately painful, which leads naturally to hesitancy when it comes to the prospect of doing anything that reflects their ability — which is pretty much everything.
But in real life, you can’t avoid doing things. We have to earn a living, do our taxes, have difficult conversations sometimes. Human life requires confronting uncertainty and risk, so pressure mounts. Procrastination gives a person a temporary hit of relief from this pressure of “having to do” things, which is a self-rewarding behavior. So it continues and becomes the normal way to respond to these pressures.
Particularly prone to serious procrastination problems are children who grew up with unusually high expectations placed on them. Their older siblings may have been high achievers, leaving big shoes to fill, or their parents may have had neurotic and inhuman expectations of their own, or else they exhibited exceptional talents early on, and thereafter “average” performances were met with concern and suspicion from parents and teachers.
MY LIFE. particularly the last bit, “or else they exhibited exceptional talents early on, and thereafter “average” performances were met with concern and suspicion from parents and teachers.”
people try to put me down or act like i’m a fucking serial killer because i take psychiatric medication. let’s be clear here - psychiatric medications are chemicals that affect your brain. brain medication. simple as that.
what do you do when your thyroid’s fucked up?! THYROID MEDICATION.
what do you do when you’re in a lot of physical pain?! PAIN MEDICATION.
alright, so what do you do when your brain doesn’t work right?! BRAIN MEDICATION.
my brain does not work right, and i take medication to help it balance its chemicals.
any ignorant piece of shit that has a problem with that can walk the fuck away and never come back because they are the absolute scummiest of the scum on the bottom of my shoe. i’ve dealt with more pain and anguish in 20 years of life than most normal people who don’t have a mental illness will deal with their entire lives, and most people with mental illnesses can say the same.
we’re not weak. we’re stronger than you’ll ever be because we are survivors.
where NOT EVERY DAY IS SUCH A FUCKING STRUGGLE. jesus christ. i am an anxiety-ridden, depressed, hot mess of a 19-almost-20 year old and have been fighting day by day to just stay alive and well for about the past 6 months and I’M FUCKING TIRED OF IT DEAR GOD
one day i’ll look back on this time fondly, but for now I just want it to be OVER.